Nobody Talks About the Loneliness: What My First Year as an Expat Actually Felt Like

The flight landed. I had two suitcases, a one-way ticket, and a spreadsheet that said I could live in Lisbon for $1,800 a month. I'd done the research. I'd read the blogs. I'd watched the YouTube videos of people sipping wine overlooking the Tagus River, talking about how "life-changing" it was.

What nobody mentioned was the silence.

Not the silence of a quiet apartment — I expected that. The silence of having nobody to call when something goes wrong. The silence of eating dinner alone for the 47th night in a row. The silence of realizing that moving to a new country doesn't fix the parts of you that were broken at home.

This is the article I wish someone had written before I left.

Key Takeaways:

• 40% of expats return home within 3 years — loneliness is the primary reason
• Depression rates are up to 50% higher among expats than in the general population
• The "honeymoon phase" typically ends at months 3-6, replaced by isolation and frustration
• American expats are 2.5x more likely to develop substance abuse issues abroad
• It takes roughly 3 years to truly feel settled — give yourself grace

Last updated: March 11, 2026

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Month 1-3: The Honeymoon That Nobody Warned You Would End

The first three months are intoxicating. Everything is new, beautiful, Instagram-worthy. Then the crash comes.

You'll walk through cobblestone streets and feel alive in a way you haven't felt in years. You'll eat €3 pastéis de nata and think you've cracked the code. You'll message your friends back home with photos captioned "can you believe this is my life now?" and genuinely mean it.

This phase is real. Enjoy it. But know that it has an expiration date.

Around month 3-4, the novelty fades. The charming bureaucracy becomes infuriating. The restaurant where nobody speaks English isn't quirky anymore — it's exhausting. And the friends you made in the first weeks (other fresh expats, mostly) start to scatter. Some leave. Some pair off. Some just stop showing up.

This is when the loneliness hits.

The Loneliness Black Spot: Months 4-12

Research shows that emotional strain often intensifies after the first year, when the novelty of living abroad completely wears off.

Here's what loneliness as an expat actually feels like — because it's different from loneliness at home:

At home, loneliness is: "I wish I had someone to hang out with tonight."

As an expat, loneliness is: "I don't have a single person in this country who knew me before six months ago. Nobody here has seen me at my worst. Nobody here knows my inside jokes, my family, my history. I am performing a version of myself 24/7, and I'm exhausted."

It's the loneliness of starting from zero. Your entire social infrastructure — the friends you could call at 2 AM, the colleague who grabs coffee, the neighbor who waves — doesn't exist anymore. You have to build it all from scratch, in a foreign language, in a culture where social norms are different.

And here's the stat that nobody puts in the digital nomad guides: 40% of expats return home within 3 years. The primary reason isn't money. It's loneliness.

Why It Hits Harder Than You Expect

Depression Rates Are 50% Higher

Studies show that rates of depression are up to 50% higher among expats compared to the general population. American expats specifically were found to be 2.5 times more likely to develop internalizing behaviors and substance abuse.

This isn't weakness. It's the predictable result of removing every social support system you had and dropping yourself into an environment where basic tasks (opening a bank account, finding a doctor, understanding a lease) require enormous emotional energy.

The Compound Effect

At home, a bad day is just a bad day. You go home, call a friend, eat comfort food, watch a familiar show.

As an expat, a bad day compounds. The bureaucratic nightmare at the immigration office reminded you that you don't belong. The failed attempt to order food in Portuguese made you feel stupid. Coming home to an empty apartment confirmed that you have nobody to debrief with. And you can't just fly home — you chose this.

Every small frustration adds weight. Without a social safety net, that weight doesn't discharge. It accumulates.

Social Media Makes It Worse

Your Instagram shows the sunset from your balcony. Your reality is that you ate microwaved pasta alone while watching Netflix in a language you don't understand. The gap between the curated version and the lived experience can trigger genuine identity crisis.

Meanwhile, friends back home think you're "living the dream" and stop reaching out because they assume you're too busy being fabulous.

What Actually Helps (From Someone Who's Been There)

1. Join Things Immediately — Even If It Feels Forced

Don't wait until you're "settled" to start socializing. The first month is when you're most open and when other new arrivals are most willing to connect.

• Language classes (even if you already speak the basics — it's about the people)
• Coworking spaces with community events
• Sports clubs, running groups, yoga studios
• Meetup.com groups for expats
• Volunteer organizations

2. Keep Your Home Connections Active

Schedule weekly video calls with close friends and family. Not "when it works out" — actually put it in your calendar. Time zone differences make this harder, but losing these connections accelerates loneliness.

3. Find One Local Friend

Making local friends is harder than making expat friends — but infinitely more valuable. Local friends teach you how the country actually works, introduce you to their networks, and ground you in the community.

How: Take a class taught in the local language. Join a neighborhood-specific activity. Become a regular at one café/bar. Be patient — it takes months, not weeks.

4. Get Professional Help Early

If you feel yourself spiraling, don't wait until it's a crisis. Online therapy platforms (BetterHelp, Talkspace) offer sessions with therapists who specialize in expat issues. Many European countries also have English-speaking mental health professionals.

The stigma around therapy is lower in the expat community than almost anywhere else. Use that.

5. Give It Three Years

This is the hardest advice but the most important. Research suggests it takes roughly three years to truly feel settled in a new country. The first year is survival. The second year is adjustment. The third year is when it starts feeling like home.

If you quit at month 8 because you're lonely, you're quitting during the hardest part. Push through to year 2 before making a permanent decision about returning home.

The Part Nobody Posts About

Here's what I'll say that the expat Instagram accounts won't: it's supposed to feel hard. Moving your entire life to a foreign country is one of the most psychologically demanding things a person can do. The fact that it's difficult doesn't mean you made a mistake. It means you're doing something genuinely challenging.

The loneliness passes. Not completely — there will always be moments when you miss the ease of being home. But it transforms. The emptiness of "I have nobody here" becomes the fullness of "I built this life from nothing, and these people chose me just as I chose them."

That second kind of connection — the one you build from scratch — is actually deeper than what you left behind. Because it's intentional. Nobody is your friend because you went to the same school or grew up on the same street. They're your friend because you found each other in a foreign country and decided to matter to each other.

That's worth the hard months.

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